Troubled.

I don't want to be here.  I want to be anywhere but here.  I don't like being sad.  I don't like being upset.  I don't like being where I am right now and I so desperately need it to be different.  I'm tired of going though the same shit with friends over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.  It's tiring and it's OLD.

Thanksgiving.

Even though this last year has been pretty rough I still have a ton to be thankful for.  I never thought I'd be where I am today.  Going to a new church... still single... living with 4 women... living DOWNTOWN... making new friends... keeping in touch with my old ones... just living life.  I had no idea this is what He had in store for me.  But - I'm so very thankful that He has me right where I am.  I've LIVED more in the last 2 years than I feel I have in my entire life and it's been amazing.  I have no idea where my path is headed... but I'm super excited to see where I end up.  My God is AMAZING and I can't wait to see what He has planned!!  :o)

I love it when Christmas falls on Sunday...

I've been thinking about this for the last couple of days and I've decided it's an exciting thing when Christmas falls on Sunday.  Some churches have special Christmas Eve services each year no matter what day it falls on... but no one has a special Christmas day service unless it ends up being on a Sunday that year.  Some people think we should even cancel church if it falls on Sunday... which is completely ABSURD!  Why would we cancel church?  I mean, seriously?  What exactly is Christmas all about?!  Think about it.  Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ!!  I think it's a privilege and a blessing to be able to attend church on Christmas.  I'm not sure if my church will cancel services or not.  If they do... I'm gonna have a really big problem with that and it's really going to be something I have to pray and think over... but know this... I will be attending a church service somewhere and I will LOVE every single minute of it.

Rage Against the Machine...

I'm more selfish than I realize most days.  I don't know if it's just in subtle ways or if I'm completely oblivious but today it hit me right in the face and it definitely took me by surprise.  I guess I usually pride myself on being giving and such when in reality we are all selfish in our own ways.  I may be willing to give of my time or in a monetary way but ask me to do something that doesn't align with my plan and eventually my temper gets the best of me.  It may not last long... but the anger is still there and it shouldn't be.  What happened to mercy and grace?  What happened to forgiveness?  Where is the love?!  Why can't I just roll with it?  I have a friend that tells me at least once a week... "You're just not chill, Jamie.  You're not like me.".  I usually laugh it off but tonight...I see that he's right.  I'm not chill.  I don't let things go easily.  I am easily angered.  I am easily irritated.  My fuse is sometimes short.  All of these things depend on who I'm dealing with or which day it is, of course, but that's no excuse.  So - why do I sweat the small stuff?  I don't want to.  I don't want to care.  I don't want to let things get to me.  I hate that they do.  It makes me feel crazy.  I wish I could just be okay with whatever comes my way but some days....sometimes... it's just hard...and it can get the best of me.  But - it shouldn't.  I could say what I always say here...  No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  I'm a sinner.  Blah, blah, blah.  I could use that as an excuse 'til the day I die... OR... I can do something about it.  I can be active in trying to destroy that sin nature in me.  I can be more aware of what or who triggers that type of reaction and dig deep and find out the WHY of it all.  I'll never be perfect.  That statement is true.  But - I can choose to seek Christ in all I do and know that He can and will change me.  Sound like a plan?  I think so and I think it's the only one that will work.

Times, they are a changin'...

"Cling to the Vine - that's all you have, really. I'll be spitting in your face for the rest of my life and you'll be spitting in mine. Thank God we aren't meant to save each other or we'd be bound for hell."  ~ David Charles Johnson

Man.  So much has happened since my last post.  I was in a very different place then.  A bitter, sad, desperate place.  A place I hope I never return to... but if I do... I now know that people won't let me stay there long.  They will step in and they will speak truth into my life.  It's such a beautiful thing when you're able to experience people putting the Word into action.  A beautiful thing, indeed.

Now that I'm kind of removed from that my focus is very much the same as it has been in the past.  I long to have a hunger for the Lord, His word, and His people like I've never had before.  I want talking to Him throughout the day to be a natural thing.  I don't want my time with Him to be out of anything but pure desire to know Him more.  I want to be a light in the darkness.  I want to love the ones it's hard to love.  I want to make a difference.  That's what I want... but how do I make that reality?  Try.  Pray.  Seek His Face and trust that He will change this heart of mine.  I know that He will.  How?  Because - He has.  He is.  I've seen Him do marvelous things and I have no doubt that He will do a work in me and through me!!  I'm not worthy but none of us are.  Not one.  So - I'm willing.  I'm willing to serve.  I'm willing to love.  I'm willing to do the hard things.  Because - that's what it's all about.  It's not always easy and it's definitely not always fun but isn't it worth it?  I think so.

Life.  Man.  I can't believe my life right now.  I'm living downtown.  DOWNTOWN.  I live with 4 amazing women, 3 cats, and a dog.  Hahaha.  Yes, it's a lot... but it's nice.  It's not crowded.  It's not overwhelming.  It's just... home.  and - I love it.  I love my room.  I love being so close to work and church.  I just... love it.  and - I'm happy.  It's taken me a while to get here.... to get to the happy... to find the joy... but I'm here and I don't want to lose that again.  There's been so much drama wrapped up in the last 2 years and they were an amazing 2 years but I'm so very thankful to be starting a new chapter in my life.  I have a feeling this will be different than any other and I can't wait!!

A Different View.

Many of you know that I have a "second" family.  I can't tell you exactly how long we've known each other... or where it all began.  All I know is that at some point I became their "Dah Dah" and they became my "Fajah" and "Momma".  Not very many understand our relationship.  Some never will completely get it.  But - basically... God put us on a collision course and my life hasn't been the same since.  Things haven't been so great with them lately.  But - today I was able to spend some time with my "Momma" and it made me realize exactly how much I truly do MISS them.  I miss them like crazy.  So - I'm going to start making a huge effort to be with them more.  Relationships sometimes call for sacrifice.  So - I'm willing to do that.  I'm willing to sacrifice in order to be with them.  It may not be easy... and it may not be fun... but I know without a doubt that it will be worth it.  I wish you could know them like I do.  I wish more than anything you could understand.  But - I don't know that you can.  I don't know that you ever will.  And - that's okay.

I wrote yesterday about love and walking away.  I realized today that... Rick isn't choosing to walk away.  He's loving me the only way he knows how... and that's by stepping back... and letting me make my own decisions.  In doing so... he's also guarding his heart.  I know he's hurting.  I can see that.  And - it makes me so sad to know that I'm the one hurting him.  He wants what's best for me.  And - he thinks he knows what that is.  I guess most parents think they know what's best for their child.  He wants to protect me.  But - he can't.  So - I'm understanding a little more the "why" in all of this.  Understanding.  That's all I've wanted.  And - now I have it.  I may not understand it all... but understanding just a little eases the pain of this heart of mine.  I believe in time things will be just fine.  I just have to be patient.  I have to choose love.  I have to choose grace.  I have to choose forgiveness.  I have to seek Christ in all of this and trust that He knows what's best.  So - that's exactly what I'm doing.  I choose Christ.  and - I trust that no matter what happens... His plans are HIGHER than mine.  Because they are.

Therapy.

I guess I'm just dwelling on the bad tonight.  Because everything running through my head makes me want to cry.  So - I'm gonna take this time to get it all out.  You should probably stop reading now.  This is for me.

I'm having a hard time loving certain people today.  Choosing forgiveness.  Choosing grace.  Choosing to love.  I'm battling that hard.  Today I want to say... I'm done.  I actually don't want you in my life.  I want to walk away.  I have other people I can count on.  People that love me.  People I can trust.  People that are real.  People that love me no matter what my flaws may be.  People that I love right back.  I don't know.  It's strange how quickly things can change sometimes.  And - I'm not saying I'm upset about this change.  It's just strange.  And - difficult.  Because there are some people I just don't enjoy being around right now.  I'm not saying that it's okay for me to feel that way.  It isn't.  But - that doesn't change my way of thinking at the moment.  Hopefully time will change that.  If it doesn't... man... things are going to get weird in about a week or so.

Tonight I was at dinner with some people from church.  People that I would normally call my friends... and don't get me wrong... some of those people ARE my friends.  But - others... not so much these days.  Not by my definition of "friend" anyways.  So - tonight at dinner... I just felt... alone.  I felt utterly and completely alone.  From the moment I walked in the door of the restaurant I wanted to walk right back out.  I should have.  But - a girl was there tonight that I haven't seen in a while... so I went to be with her.  We didn't get to talk much though, so I might as well not have been there at all.  I should've followed my intuition and gone straight home after church.  But - I didn't.

I've learned a lot of lessons this year.  One of the main ones is this:  No matter how many times someone tells you they "love you like you're their daughter"... it doesn't make it true.  They could say it 'til they're blue in the face and it would be a lie.  It may not be a lie in that moment... but once you do something they don't approve of... or something that disappoints them... or something that hurts them... they won't choose to love you....  they will choose to walk away.  If you really loved someone like they were family then walking away really isn't possible.  Not in this case anyways.  Because - if you love someone like they're your child then you will love them no matter what.  Yes, there will be discipline and such but love will always be evident.  Well - it isn't evident.  It's actually non-existent these days.  I don't know how to deal with that.  I don't know how to digest it.  I don't know what to do about it.  I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know.  I just... don't.... know.  And - to be honest... that sucks.  I wish things were different.  I wish I could go back and handle things in a different way.  Paint things in a different light.  But - at this point I think there's been so much misinterpretation that there's no going back.  The only one that can fix this is the Lord... and I don't even know if this one is supposed to get fixed.  I guess with time I'll know the answer to that one too.  Time.

That brings me to another subject I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Misinterpretation.  I'm surrounded by it these days.  You can say something one way and mean it that ONE way and I could get something completely different out of it.  I think a lot of times I hear what you say... then I process it with my heart and it becomes something totally different.  I don't do this intentionally... but it happens.  And - it can cause a world of trouble.  I'm not the only one that does this though.  People do it all day every day.  It's so strange.  You just have to be very careful about the way you say things.  And - if you're confronting a situation... I would say NEVER confront it via email, text, or a letter.  It should always be face to face... otherwise things WILL be misunderstood.  They get misunderstood enough in person... why risk it in writing?  I've actually never been a huge fan of face to face confrontation... but I think it's necessary.  It just makes sense to do it that way, if possible.  Avoid misinterpretation at all costs.  Believe me.  It hurts you and others.

I guess that's all I have for now.  If you read all of this... I'm sorry.  You should've stopped reading when I asked you to.  :o)

Life is a roller coaster.

Today started off with a rush of sadness and tears.  I was upset.  Heartbroken.  I cried... I sought counsel.  What didn't I do?  I didn't pray.  I have others praying for me.  But - did I turn to the only One that can fix all of this?  Nope.  I decided to cry and be sad and play in the darkness.  This is a very dangerous habit to have.  I'm hoping that in the future I can be more aware of how this type of situation should really be handled.  Because - in all reality... no one has true control over my emotions.  Just because someone treats me a certain way doesn't mean I should react like I do.  Yes, I'm emotional.  Yes, my heart is usually exposed at all times.  But - that is no one's fault but mine.  So - I'm gonna work on it.  Ha.  I feel like I'm always coming to this conclusion.  Maybe one day it will stick.

On a brighter note:  I've had some improvement in another area that was going down hill fast.  It's an unexpected but welcomed improvement.  I love when the Lord literally says, "Hey!  I got this.  Trust me, okay?".  It just reminds me of how undeserving I am.  How imperfect I am.  How flawed all my relationships are.  But - God is good and He is faithful.  He's in control.  HE'S AMAZING.  And - I'm so thankful that even though I may be messing things up constantly...He's working.  He's moving.  He's there.  He's always there and I am so very thankful that He is.

Things are looking up.

Head held high,

James

Blessed.

God is good.  All the time.  And - all the time.  God is good.

I'm lucky.  I can put my sadness aside.  I can walk away from it for a while.  I can even forget about it for an entire day.  And - when this happens I'm reminded of how blessed I truly am.  I have amazing people in my life and even though I feel like I'm losing people that I love and don't want to let go... I'm still surrounded by people that love me unconditionally and that's so amazing.

I went to dinner with a friend tonight.  We haven't known each other for very long but she's become one of my favorite people.  I find it easy to open up to her.  I know I can talk to her about the hard stuff and she gives me advice from a completely neutral point of view... and it's biblical.  I.  Love.  That.  She's wise beyond her years and still a child at heart too.  (We have the child at heart thing in common.)   We laughed a lot tonight.  Talked a lot.  It was just so refreshing.  I just needed tonight so much.  My heart and soul needed that girl time.  To chat.  To laugh.  To cry a little.  To just be.  I am so thankful.  And - not just for her.  For all my female friends.  Who knew a girl that preferred to hang out with guys would be surrounded by amazing women that I now call friends.  I didn't think that would be my story.  I actually didn't want that to be my story.  But - I'm so thankful that it is.  So - despite my sadness from time to time... I'm joyful.  I'm grateful.  I'm thankful.  I count myself blessed.

My God is good.  All the time.  And - all the time.  God is good.

The problem is this....

I feel like I'm losing way too many people in my life right now.  Important people.  And - maybe that's not accurate but that's the way it feels.  I keep asking myself if it's worth it and I still haven't decided if it is.  It's like everyone around me keeps placing conditions on our friendships and that's just not fair.  "I'll be your friend if you give me a little space."  Or - "I'll be your friend if you go to my church."  Or - "You may think you know what's best for your life and what direction God is leading you in... but you're very wrong.  But - I do know...so do what I tell you.".  It's just all so frustrating.  Love is supposed to be unconditional.  You shouldn't love me because of what I can do for you or because I do what you ask.  You should love me because that's what you're called to do.  But - is that what happens?  No.  Because people are selfish and when things get uncomfortable they either bail or try to mold you into the friend that they want or need you to be.  Because - I forgot... it's all about you, right.  Forget it being about Him at all.  I just don't get it.  And - I don't know that I ever will.  It just sucks.  I wish I could get to a point where it doesn't bother me and maybe I will.  I just know I haven't gotten there yet.  It bothers me daily.  And - maybe that's why I'm in this funk that I feel like I can't get out of.  A lot of the time...I'm good.  I'm happy.  I'm lovin' life.  But - then I come home... and there's this ache in my soul that won't go away.  This sadness that I can't escape for too long.  I don't know what it is or why it's there but I don't like it.  It's just not me.  And - I need it to go away.

I am not okay.

I can't describe it... but it's not good.  I am far from being okay and I hate it.  I don't know how to fix it.  Or - how to walk away from it.  I feel like I could seriously sleep for days and that be okay.  Disconnect from everything and everyone and be fine.  I'm tired.  I'm sad.  I'm broken.  I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm hurt.  My heart hurts.  My soul aches.  I hate this but I let it happen.  I don't stop it, confront it, or pray about it.  I'm just here.  Going through the motions but not really living.  Not really feeling.  Not really me.  And - I feel like I'm surrounded by people that don't notice.  They're unaware that something just isn't right.  I always say "You can tell what mood I'm in by looking at my face.  It's written there.  I can't hide it." and that's true for the most part.  But - what if it's something deeper?  Something that's not on the surface.  Something more.  I guess I can't blame them though.  Because honestly... sometimes I'm not aware until I'm knee deep in it.  And - that's when I notice somethings wrong.  Something isn't right.  I guess the important question is this:  Do I give up?  Or - do I fight?

Birthday Week Has Begun...

My birthday week began yesterday.  It was a typical Monday.  I went to work and instead of going out for lunch I just stayed at the office.  But - I knew something was up when Caroline got back from lunch and said, "Jamie!  I didn't see your car earlier.  You must've gone out or something before I left."  I said, "No.  I haven't left the office."  She looked at me and smiled.  "Oh.  So - you haven't seen it?!", she exclaimed.  At this point I was super nervous.  My first thought was that someone had hit my car.  Then I realized that Caroline was smiling and starting to laugh.  I said, "Is my car decorated?"  Her reply was, "Hahahaha.  Oh!  Yes, it is!  You have to go see it right now!"  On my way out I saw another co-worker and asked her if it was that way when they went out for lunch.  She said, "Oh, yeah.  There's stuff everywhere.  You haven't seen it yet?!"  I informed her that I hadn't and then ran downstairs.  I was sure to have my phone and camera ready.  This is what I found when I walked outside:

This made me laugh so hard.  Especially the windshield.  In my mind there were only 2 people that could've done this.  Doe and Erin.  So - once I got back inside I texted them immediately.  But - they denied it.  So, then I began to think about who else could've done it...then Erin confessed...and then so did Doe.  Hahaha.  But - they couldn't have kept it a secret for long.  Because another co-worker walked into my office during the texting and asked if I had seen my car.  I laughed and told her I had.  Then she showed me this:

Hahahaha.  They were caught in action.  Love, love, love it!!!  I love my friends.  These two made my day.  They made me feel so special.  It made my Monday just perfect.  Hopefully the rest of the week will be just as happy and fun!!  Yay for birthdays (especially mine!)!!  Hahahaha.  :o)

Oh!  I laughed the entire way home.  People were staring at me.  I even saw a friend once I got in Moody and he got in front of me and slowed way down.  I thought this was strange but it didn't bother me.  He finally called and said, "Will you pass me already so I can see your car?!  Good grief!".  Hahaha.  And - this morning I went to Chick-Fil-A for breakfast and everyone was laughing and telling me "Happy Birthday!".  My car is definitely turning a few heads.  ;o)

Sunshine.

So - I'm currently decorating my office.  I'm basically taking positive things (scripture, quotes, etc.) and putting them on my walls around me.  I want to be surrounded by postive things.  I am tired of the negative.  And - I've come to realize when you're surrounded by negative things...you yourself become very negative as well.  I don't want to be this way.  I don't want to be irritable.  I don't want my blood pressure to be high.  I don't want my chest to feel tight.  I want this ridiculous stress to disappear.  So - I'm seeking the Lord and I'm surrounding myself with positive things.  Now, don't hear me wrong.  I'm not expecting this to fix everything and for the negativity to disappear.  I just want to be active in seeking not only the Truth but looking for the positive in all things.  I want to be a "glass half full" kind of girl.  I'm hoping it will make a difference.  I want to bring sunshine every where I go.  I have Christ in me...so I know this is possible.  He is the light of the world.  He is our Hope and our Salvation.  He is our Helper, our Keeper.  He is all that we need.  All that we need.  He is more than enough.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

~ Anthony J. D’Angelo

No More Negative Nancy!!

My negative Nancy attitude is taking a vacation.  Hopefully a permanent one.  :o)  Things are going to be okay.  My God is in control.  He's stable.  He's able.  He is more than enough.  Letting go isn't necessarily a bad thing it's just different.  Change isn't always bad either.  Change is most definitely welcome here.  I have a feeling a lot is going to change in the next few months.  Yeah.  It's going to be awesome.  Bring.  It.  On.

I'll wait...

Life is hard.  Friendships are super difficult sometimes.  But - it's all worth it.  Because most of the time... the good outweighs the bad.  And - even if it didn't... it would still be worth it.  Why?  Because - the good times are SO GOOD.  Great even.  So I'll wait for the good even if it's seldom because the good is worth every second.  Every time.  Always.


Love Came Down


When I call on Your name Your answer.
When I fall You are there by my side.
You delivered me out of the darkness.
Now I stand in the hope of new life.


Yeah, stand in the hope of new life with You.


By grace I'm free.
You rescued me.
All I am is Yours.


I've found a Love greater than life itself.
I've found a hope stronger and nothing compares.
I once was lost now I'm alive in You.
I'm alive in You.  Thank you, Lord.
I'm alive in You.


You're my God and my firm foundation.
It is You whom I'll trust at all times.
I give glory and praise adoration.
To my Savior who's seated on high.


I've found a Love greater than life itself.

I've found a hope stronger and nothing compares.
I once was lost now I'm alive in You.
I'm alive in You. Thank you, Lord.
I'm alive in You.


I've found a Love greater than life itself.
I've found a Hope stronger and nothing compares.
I once was lost now I'm alive in You.
Thank You, Jesus!  Thank You, Jesus!

Birthday Celebration #1

Well - last night I got together with some really awesome friends of mine to celebrate my birthday.  It was an early celebration.  My friend, Bradley, is moving out of state soon and probably won't be here for my birthday.  Plus - everyone was kind of busy around that time.  So we decided to celebrate early.  I was totally okay with that idea.  Ha.  What was on the menu?  Wings.  Grilled wings.  Omg.  They were the best wings I've ever had.  PJ came over early and made the sauces.  He had 3 versions.  Mild, medium, and hot.  The base was the same for all 3 the medium and hot just had different additives to make them more spicy.  Let me just say:  We could open a wings joint and make a ton of money.  They had kick but didn't tear you up.  And - the flavor was awesome.  The grill made them taste AMAZING.  I wish you could get wings off a grill at restaurants.  Man.  That charcoal flavor just added so much.  Once those were done we ate and talked and just hung out for a while.  It was nice.  We were all exhausted and so full.  So - we basically just sat around most of the night.  I love those people.  I've known most of them for at least 7 years...some longer than that.  It's nice to see that friendships really do last that long.  Those people have been there for me through the good and through the bad.  I hope I've done my job and been there for them too.  It was an awesome night...with awesome people.  My Saturday was absolutely perfect.

Women's Breakfast.

This morning I was able to have breakfast with the women from Branch Life Church.  It was an awesome time of fellowship and community.  I love those women dearly.  We're all around the same age-ish.  I'm one of the older ones in the crowd but I don't mind that at all.  It's just nice to have a group of women that are my age and most of them are still single.  Some are married of course, but only a few have children.  I just feel like we're all living life together.  We're right there... worrying about the same things... and just trying to live a life that is wrapped up in Jesus Christ.  I fail.  Everyday.  But - it's nice to hear that others struggle with the same things I do.  And - that's kind of what this was all about.  Accountability.  We want to be there for one another.  We want to be more intentional with each other.  So - we've decided to probably start meeting once a month and that makes me so happy!  We'll do something different each time but I think that's what makes it interesting!  I can't wait to walk and grow and get to know these women better.  It was a perfect way to start my Saturday.  It has definitely made my heart smile.

I hope that's enough...

I feel like my guard is always up.  Has been for at least the last year.  I'm easily offended and fast to defend my friends or actions.  It shouldn't be like that.  I can't wait for everything to be semi-normal again.  No more defending my friendships.  No more defending my decisions.  No more.  I just want it to be done.  Friendships shouldn't be as hard as they seem to be right now.  Going to church shouldn't be as drama filled as it feels right now.  I just feel bombarded all day every day.  And - I'm so tired of it.  I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!"  Because - I feel like I'm surrounded by people that have forgotten that this life ISN'T ALL ABOUT THEM.  It's not about me.  It's not about you.  It's about the bringing glory and honor to our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Why is that so easily forgotten?  Why is how we feel so much more important than knowing that what we're doing with our lives is honoring Christ?  I mean, I'm guilty of this too.  We all are.  We are a sinful, imperfect people.  But - it's so easy to get so lost in it sometimes.  So lost that you don't even realize you're in it.... until you're in it so deep you can't seem to get out.  And - then there are people that refuse to acknowledge the fact that you have changed.  No matter what you do differently... they still see the old you.  They refuse to see something new.  How do you change that?  How do you make them see you're different?  In reality, there really isn't anything that I can do.  It's going to take Christ to make them see the change.  That's what I'm hoping for.  That's what I'm praying for now.

Lord, show them the areas that I'm different.  And - show me the areas that I need to work on.  Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.  Open the eyes of my heart.  Reveal to me the things that aren't of You.  Show me what You want removed from my life.  Mold me into your image, Father.  Make me new.

I know I'm not perfect.  But - I also know I'm different.  I praise Him for that.  I'm not the person I was last year.  Or - even a few weeks ago.  There will always be areas that need some work because I will never be good enough.  I will never be perfect.  I will never do things the way you or anyone else wants me to.  I can't be what you need me to be.  All I can do is seek Christ and love people.  I hope that's enough.

Ramblings...

I'm the world's worst at starting a book and actually finishing it.  This is a habit that has developed as I got older.  When I was younger...I was glued to whatever book I was reading until I reached that last page.  I read all the time.  It was my means of escape from the craziness I was surrounded by.  Because - even if the book I was reading was crazy it was still better than my reality.  Or - at least that's what I thought at the time.  Nancy Drew was my favorite when I was younger.  I loved those books.  I loved them so much that while I was in Books-a-Million today I bought the first one.  I couldn't resist.  It was only $3 for a hardback.  I had the first 6 in my hands but convinced myself that was ridiculous.  But - I'm sure I'll be purchasing the rest soon.  If I ever have children I want them to enjoy reading as much as I do.  I want them to read BOOKS.  I don't want them reading on a Kindle.  There's just something about holding a book.  The smell, the feel, I love it all.  One day I plan to own all the things I loved as a child.  Movies, games, books, etc.  I need to get them now while I still remember.  I have most of the movies but I'm still lacking a few.  I have hardly no books and no games.  But - I'll work on that.  :o)  I just feel like kids these days are missing out!  Saying that makes me feel so old...but I don't care.  For one...they don't have what we had.  Some might say things have improved.  But - I  miss the old stuff.  Plus, we lived outdoors as children and played inside when it was dark or stormy.  Kids these days just don't do that.  What the heck are their parents thinking?  Stop letting the television and gaming systems raise your children!  Get their butts outside!  Man, I would do things so differently.  But - who knows...maybe I wouldn't.  We live in a lazy society.  It's all about convenience.  Maybe one day that will change but since we make everything about us anyways...I doubt that it will.  Just this week I know I've said twice "I don't know where I'm going for lunch.  I really don't want to get out of the car.  It's so hot!".  Really, Jamie?  Really?  I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I said that.  Laziness.  I'm going to work on that.  But - it is hot.  Hahaha.  I'm so looking forward to the fall.  James Spann said today that some parts of the south will see lows in the 50's next week.  It probably won't last but he said fall is just around the corner.  HEARING THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!!!!  I love the fall.  The colors!!  Oh, the colors!!  Everything will turn red, yellow, or orange for a while and it will be so beautiful!  I can't wait.  And - what comes with the fall???  FOOTBALL SEASON!  Yes.  OMG.  I'm so stinking excited.  College football.  Man.  It will take over my Saturdays once it starts and I'm totally okay with that.  I've recently met a bunch of people who don't watch it....AT ALL.  This is weird to me.  I mean, I know everyone is different but do you realize where we live?!  We live in Alabama.  Football is important here.  But - they don't think so.  Ha.  They could care less.  And - that's okay, I suppose.  I think it's strange.  But - they think we're strange for loving it so much.  :o)  Who knows.  Maybe we are. There's just something about it that gets me excited.  And - no, it's not the tight pants.  Ha.  Hmm...well....  I think I've reached the end of this ramble.  I hope you've enjoyed it.  I know I have.

Until next time...
James

He's kind of cool like that.

This has been an amazing week.  

I went to Bethel on Sunday and Wednesday...and it was really nice to see those people.  I felt loved.  Missed.  Wanted.  It was so nice.  Tuesday's small group was so good.  And - then last night we had a girls' night.  After the girls' night was over Fuqua and I met up with Luke at Al's.  It was nice.  Good conversation.  Just good time spend with good friends.  I love those people.  And - I'm really looking forward to tomorrow!  Women's breakfast at Branch Life and an early birthday party in Moody!!  Woot!!  I am so excited!!  :o)  

So - that's the good.  Those are the hi-lights.  I guess that means I'm about to bring up the "bad".  Ha.  I don't necessarily think it's bad as I do think it's weird and old all at the same time.  

I just feel like some of my friends don't understand me.  Or - try to put old things on me that I feel like don't exist anymore.  Why am I always the girl that is always accused of being in love with someone?  Why can't I just be a friend?  A friend that loves with everything she has.  I mean, I understand how that can be scary but that's not my problem.  Not really.  And - this is the first time this has been brought up that I didn't cry or get upset.  I actually felt no emotion about it whatsoever.  This time...I just felt tired.  Because - I feel like nothing I do is right or good enough.  It really makes me just want to give up on this one.  I don't know if that's the right answer or if that's what it will come to but I think I'm finally in a place where I'm okay with that being an option.  I will be sad, yes.  But - it will not rock my world.  It will not define me.  I will be okay because I serve a Mighty God and He knows what He's doing even when I don't.  Heck, even when I don't like it.  He knows what's best.  And - I trust Him.  I trust Him.  Sometimes that's hard.  Sometimes it's not fun.  Sometimes it's terrifying.  But - it's always worth it.  Always.  So - I'm tired, yes.  But - I'm at peace too.  It's a weird place to be, actually.  Not because it's bad but because  I never thought I'd react this way.  Normally - I'd be crying my eyes out and thinking my whole world was falling apart.  I wouldn't be able to sleep or rest or whatever.  It would literally tear me up inside.  But - not today.  Today is different and I'm so thankful that it is because it shows me that I'm different.  I'm not the same person I was last year, last month, or last week.  God is working in me and I'm so thankful for that.  I'm free.  I'm loved.  I'm saved.  And - that is ALL that matters.  I can't wait to see what the future holds.  It probably won't be anything like I imagine...and I'm totally okay with that!  Because - His plans are way better than anything I could've ever dreamed of.  He's kind of cool like that.  ;o)

Lies & Defeat

Lies.  I can't stop them from running through my head.  Lies.  You're unwanted.  You aren't loved.  You are incapable of doing anything right.  You suck at life and relationships.  You, my friend, are a failure.  I know these things aren't true.  But - the thoughts are there today.  And - they won't stop.  And - I can't shake the sadness that comes with them.  I feel defeated.  Darkness.  I hate it.  But - that's what I'm feeling today.  I want it to go away.  Now.  But - it won't.  It's there.  Wanting me to cry.  Wanting me to be upset.  Wanting me to believe the lies.  So - I cry.  I'm upset.  I'm sad.  And - feeling defeated.  But - I know that these things aren't true.  I know I'm a child of the King.  I know I'm loved.  I know I'm loving.  I know I'm not a failure.  I know that I'm not defeated.  I know all of these things.  But - for some reason...I still feel this way.  I don't know.  I thought today would be a new day.  I was wrong.  I was very wrong.  But - I have hope that a new day will come.  I believe this sadness won't last.  I know that my Jesus can pull me out of this.  He can mend whatever is broken; He can heal this heart of mine.  So - I wait eagerly.  I wait.  And - in the mean time...I choose not to believe the lies I hear no matter how much pain they bring.

Life. Yep.

(Most of this was written yesterday.  I just didn't have time to post it...)

Choices. Life. Service. Love. Laughter. Happiness. Joy. Grace. Peace. Forgiveness. Commitment. Community. Sold out. Filled up. Priority.


These are things I've been contemplating recently. Important things. Crucial things. And - along with those come these questions:

Where do I belong? What am I supposed to do? Where do I go from here? What am I to do with my life? What exactly is my calling? What are His plans for me?

My answer to all of those questions is the same. I DON'T KNOW! Maybe that's the problem. I don't know. Usually I would be okay with that. But - lately there's all this pressure. Choose and commit. That's what I'm being asked to do. And - I don't want to. I feel like a child on the inside. One that's just about ready to throw herself on the floor kicking and screaming and pitching a holy fit. The embarassing kind of fit. The kind that the once pitched the parents want to either run away or literally beat the child. That's where I am right now. That's how I feel. And - I hate it. Why? Because I'm not in control and I don't know what the future holds. I feel like in choosing I'll make the wrong choice. Walking away from something that has been my home for 13 years now makes me want to literally vomit. But - then again - I'd be joining something pretty amazing. God is doing great things there. He's moving. He's changing people. He's at work and it's amazing. It's so awesome to be able to witness and even more amazing to be a part of. Some have advised me to make a decision now. Others want me to wait and pray. I'm a firm believer in this fact: God's timing is perfect. So - I will pray...and I will wait for peace to come.

Random...

1.  Strawberry Orange Banana Crystal Light is amazing.  You should try it.  Now.

2.  Mosquitoes are loving me right now.  I hate it.  It's like they know I'm coming.  "Oh!  It's Jamie!  Get her!!!!!".  :(

3.  I rarely drink 64 oz. of any liquid in a day.  Strange...but true.

4.  I could eat Mexican food every single day.  For real.

5.  80's music makes my heart happy.


6.  I want to be an amazing cook.  Maybe one day I will accomplish this.


7.  I am currently attending 2 churches on a regular basis.  I love them both very much and I don't want to choose.  Hopefully I won't have to anytime soon.


8.  I want to move to Birmingham.  Yayce.


9.  I love my new friends.  They're amazing.

10.  Going on an international mission trip needs to happen.  Soon.


I guess that's it for now.  I could keep going but I won't.  :o)


 

Where you go, I'll go...

Missions.  International missions.  This is what I want to do.  I don't know that it will be something I do full time...but I definitely want to do this on a pretty regular basis.  That's the whole reason I wanted to go to nursing school.  Not because I wanted to be a nurse.  Not exactly.  I wanted to go to nursing school so that I could travel nurse part of the year...and the rest of year I could go do missions.  Maybe that's crazy.  Or - maybe that's exactly what I'm supposed to do.  I still don't know what path to take just yet...but I'm trusting that He will guide me in whatever direction He would have me to go.


I have a few friends that have been on or are about to go on international mission trips and I'm so jealous.  It makes me miss it so very badly.  We have a group planning to go back to Costa Rica next year and I'M SO EXCITED!!  Costa Rica is absolutely beautiful.  And - the people.  Oh, my - I love the people so much!  I absolutely cannot wait to go back.  It is going to be amazing!  Costa Rica in 2012?!  Yes, please!!!  :o)

Changed. For Good.

Below you'll find lyrics to a song from the musical Wicked.  It's an amazing song; one that makes me cry every single time I hear it.  Why?  Because I have people in my life that have made such a huge impact on me...on who I am today...and this song says what I'm not able to at times.  I mean, seriously.  I count myself blessed to have met, known, lived with, and love these people.  There are a handful of you out there that have made an imprint on my heart.  And - God has used you to open my eyes to things I didn't see before.  You've allowed Him to speak through you and into my heart.  I'm forever grateful for that.  Because I knew you...I have been changed for good.

This song is called For Good.  Enjoy.  :o)

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
 
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend
 
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good
 
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
 
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
 
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?
And because I knew you.
Because I knew you.
Because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.






 

2010 - A year in review...

2010 goes down as the year with the most change, fun, laughter, tears, craziness, late nights, growth, new experiences, movies, new friends, old friends, memories, awesomeness, dancing, etc.  Let's just say - 2010 was absolutely amazing!  I couldn't have asked for anything more.  It is my favorite year so far.  I'm interested to see what 2011 has in store...but before we discuss that...I'm going to talk about some of my favorite memories from 2010.  ;o)

2010 started off with a huge change.  I was living in a new house...with new people...and it was AWESOME.  God blessed me with two of the most amazing people...EVER.  Audra and David are two of my closest friends on the planet.  I can talk to them about anything.  I'm completely myself when I'm with them...and they choose to love me anyway.  Hahaha.  I've changed a lot this year.  Part of that is because of them...part of that is because of me...and a great deal of that is because of the Mighty God that I serve.  They've changed a lot this year as well.  But - that's a story for them to tell if they choose to do so.  This..well...this is my story.

Finding the Right Balance - It's no secret that when I first moved to Center Point I completely ditched my friends that live in Moody.  I was in a new place...with new people and they completely had my attention.  It took me a little while to find the right balance but I finally did and I couldn't be happier about it.  My Moody friends are amazing.  They are super fun and are some of the best friends a girl could ask for.  We did a lot of hanging out after I got my act together.  Dinner, bowling, hanging at the McCullough's, etc.  It's always super interesting and fun.

My favorite day this past year was our SNOW DAY!  Omg.  It was completely amazing.  We went to work that morning hoping we would be sent home early...and we totally were!  Audra and Dave waited for me to get home then we geared up for the cold.  We only had one pair of gloves for all 3 of us so we improvised and used oven mitts as well.  So two people had protection on their hands from the cold while the other had to suffer for a while.  We would rotate who had to suffer.  It was all equal.  There were lots of pictures taken and lots of snowballs thrown.  Then, we decided to build the most amazing snowman...ever.  His name was Bradley the...well...never mind.  Not all things need to be shared.  ;o)  It was an awesome day.  For real.  My favorite day of the year.

The next few memories won't fall in any kind of order.  I loved them all and they most definitely hold a special place in my heart.

Late Nights with Audra and David - When I first moved to the big CP we would stay up super late...every single night.  We would watch movies, sit around and talk about...everything, make crazy videos, etc.  It was awesome...and it was during this time that I realized how blessed I was to be living with these people.  We recorded ourselves laughing without smiling.  We watched a million movies.  We even watched the seasons 1-5 of Grey's Anatomy.  Hahaha.  We were completely obsessed with that show.  I still am, actually.  Those were the days.  Man.  It was amazing.  For real.

Meeting New People - I've made quite a few new friends this year.  :o)  This makes my heart very happy.  I'm still getting to know some of them and there are a few I've gotten to know very well.  They're all super cool and very different than the friends I have now.  I'm super excited about having them in my life!  New friends rock.  For real.

CRUISE - Audra, Jeremy, Dave, and I went on a cruise in April.  We were all SOOO excited!  I think it was awesome.  A & J tend to disagree a little.  I'm just so glad we went.  We went out of Mobile and our destinations were Progresso and Cozumel.  Progresso sucked.  It was terrible.  But - I love Cozumel.  It's a beautiful place.  The food was awesome.  The drinks were good.  The water was...breathtakingly beautiful.  The dessert...OMG...warm chocolate melting cake.  Enough said.  Surprisingly enough...I did exercise just about everyday.  I still can't even believe that.  We even went all the way to the bottom of the ship and walked up all the stairs...twice.  I was almost dead when we finished but I was super proud of myself.  :o)  I may have even skipped dessert a time or two.  David has this way of making me feel guilty without even trying.  Boo.  I loved that trip.  I'm so glad we went.  It was awesome.

80's Party - This year for Dave's birthday we threw him a surprise birthday party!  It was 80's themed.  OMG.  We had neon fishnet gloves, plastic sunglasses with neon ear pieces, and neon friendship bracelets for everyone to wear.  A lot of people dressed the theme.  It made me super excited!  Dave knew about the party but he did not know about the theme...and he definitely didn't know what exactly we had planned.  Hahaha.  It was a great day.  Lots of fun and laughter.  I still want to pull out my neon green leggings and hot pink skirt every now and then.  But - I always chicken out because I don't want people to think I'm a freak.  ;o)

Rekindling Old Friendships - There are a few people that I've ran into this year and since then we've started hanging out pretty regularly.  I love it when that happens.  And - the friendship is better the second time around.  It's not like we stopped being friends for a reason...life happened and we just stopped putting forth effort.  I guess we're at a place now where we can.  But - there isn't any pressure to do so.  We just hang out whenever.  It's super nice and I'm really excited that I have those friends in my life again. 

My Birthday - I usually claim a full week for my birthday.  Everyone moans and groans about it...but they are gracious enough to put up with it.  This year was a little different.  I didn't have to plan a thing.  Which is so amazing.  There were lots of celebrations which started with lunch with my family at Red Robin...yum!  If you haven't eaten there...you should.  They have the most amazing honey mustard known to man.  For real.  Anyways...then there was a trip to Guadalajara.  This is our local Mexican restaurant.  My brother-in-law works there so I'm usually safe from what usually happens when you go there for your birthday.  Oh!  Not this year.  Freddie, the manager, decides he's going to ignore my request and shoves a spoonful of whipped cream in my face.  Hahaha.  It was awesome.  It went up my nose and everything.  Then that Friday Christi and Matt had a party at their house for me.  We grilled out some delicious food!  Plus, there was most definitely a cake from Edgar's.  OMG.  Then...on Saturday...Audra, Dave, and Doerun threw me the most amazing birthday party...EVER.  It was alien themed and it was awesome!  There were homemade glittery alien antennas for everyone to wear.  There were black lights and a strobe light.  Green lights were in the ceiling fan and there was even a flying saucer that had crashed in the tree outside (btw - it's totally still in the tree.).  This was my favorite birthday yet.  I got to spend precious time with everyone I love.  The presents don't matter.  I mean don't get me wrong...they're nice...but that's not what's most important.  What's most important to me on my birthday is being able to spend time with the people I love the most.  And - that's exactly what I was able to do.  It rocked.

Friends' Christmas - This is an annual tradition that started a while back.  I'm not sure how long it's been going on...but I love it!  It's just a gathering of friends for a Christmas party.  There's always lots of food, games played, loads of laughter, and tons of fun.  This year was a little different because the location changed.  And - the group of people has most definitely changed over the years as well.  I don't think this is a bad thing.  I think that's just what happens over time.  Anyway...this year Bradley hosted the party at his house.  He made taco soup and white chicken chili.  Then, we were asked to bring snacks and such.  We ate dinner and then we played Dirty Santa.  Not everyone could afford gifts so Eric and PJ went to the Dollar Tree and purchased all the gifts.  Hahaha.  I wish I had pictures of all of the gifts...but there were so many!  OMG.  It was a great night...with amazing friends.  LOVE IT!

I can honestly say I loved this year.  The good right along with the bad.  I don't regret a single thing.  I have loved every minute.  Well, maybe not every minute.  The tears and all of the emotional stuff wasn't exciting at the time...but looking back on that now...it was a growing process for me and I'm so glad that I was able to experience that.  I learned so much through all of this.  So, when all is said and done...I'm grateful...for the laughter, the tears, the pain, the mistakes and the fun.  I'm grateful for it all.  2010 - you're a year I'll never forget.  2011 - bring it on!