It Takes a Little Time Sometimes...

It's been quite some time since I actually wanted to be at church. 


When I realized Rick probably wasn't going to get better I got mad.  and - because of that anger I didn't want to be at church.  I didn't want to hear how God was good because, at the time, I didn't believe it.  Because that same God that was supposedly good wasn't good to me.  He was letting a man I loved, more than I love most, die.  and - I couldn't stand it.  I couldn't understand it.  I couldn't comprehend why He was letting someone that was so GOOD... someone that loved the Lord with all that he was... someone that would've devoted the rest of his life to sharing the gospel with others... He was just letting him die.  So - I was mad.  I was angry.  Okay, let's be real.  I was FURIOUS.


It's been almost 7 months since Rick left us and it's still difficult.  Thankfully my anger has faded.  But - I still miss him.  All the time.  I don't know that that will ever go away.  And - that's okay.  I don't want it to.  

The good news is today... today was the first time I was at church and I was okay with it.  I wasn't there to avoid the "Where are you?!"  or the "I'm disappointed." texts.  I wanted to be there.  I enjoyed it.  and - I think that's a good thing. 


Today was the start of something new and I couldn't be happier about that fact.


It takes a little time sometimes... to get back to who you were... who you are... who you were meant to be..... and I think I'm finally on the path to being me again.  and - it's a me that I've missed. 


The future is bright today.  It's bright and glorious and beautiful.  and - I'm excited about that!


Feeling better today than I did yesterday,
James

My dad, My Fajah, My Heroes

I am lucky enough to celebrate two men today.  My dad and my Fajah.  Both men are heroes in my eyes but for very different reasons.

My dad has always been someone that I see as indestructible.  He's the strongest man I know.  I am completely convinced that he can fix absolutely anything.  From vacuum cleaners to cars and most recently...riding lawnmowers.  He's a beast....kind of.  and - he's always been there to help in any way possible.  I'm so thankful he's my dad.

My Fajah poured wisdom and love into my life.  He always told me the truth...even when it was hurtful.  And - he always wanted what was best for me.  He made me family when he didn't have to.  He loved me like I was his own and everyone knew that I was his daughter.    He was a constant in my life.  To say that our relationship was special is an understatement.  Knowing him was a gift.  I spent most holidays with him and his family.  Father's Day (because we celebrated with my dad on his birthday instead of Father's Day.), Easter, Mother's Day, and Christmas Eve.  Christmas Eve was my favorite.  He loved me.  And - I loved him.  So - today...today is a difficult day.  It's one I would've spent with him.  And - it's a day I choose to celebrate his life, his influence, and his love.  I'm eternally grateful for him....and for his amazing family.

Some of you may not understand my relationship with Rick and Pam.  Some of you have even said it's weird.  But - I pray that one day you'll take a chance on a kid in your Sunday School class.  Or - one that you come across in church.  Or - one that may be your child's friend. Show that kid love.  Show them the love they may not be getting from their parents.  Show that kid what a Christian home should look like.  Be honest and tough on them but also encourage them to serve the Lord with whatever gifts He's given them.  Be a constant in their life...because not everyone is lucky enough to have that at home.  I don't come from a Christian home.  My home life was very different from others around me.  And - even though I met Rick and Pam after high school they still stepped in and truly loved me.

So - to all you dads and Fajahs out there... Happy Father's/Fajah's Day!!  Having you in our lives makes them BETTER.  And - life without you just isn't the same.  

And - to all of you who are missing your dad today...please know you are being prayed for.  I know today is a tough day and I'm so, so sorry for that.

A little joyful and sorrowful all at the same time, 

James

Because I Knew You...

On April 28, 2015 at 11:50pm my beloved Fajah took his last breath.  I was lucky enough to be there when he did.  I keep picturing those last moments over and over again.  How beautiful his passing was and how it still makes my heart ache to know that he's no longer with us.

I can't tell you what day or even what year I met Rick Whitehead.  All I can tell you is that the Lord put us on a collision course and I'll be eternally grateful for that.  He started out as my Sunday School teacher... then choir director... then Fajah.  He was basically my second father.  At first I was Jamie James to him.... then My Girl.... then Dah Dah.  He wouldn't say that I was the "daughter he never had" because he said I was the daughter that he did have.  That I would always be his daughter.  and - I can tell you that he will ALWAYS be my Fajah.

If you never had the chance to meet Rick you really missed out.  His love for Christ and for people was genuine. He was full of wisdom and honesty. He always wanted to be real to those around him. He never wanted to be fake. and - I can say in all the years I knew him that I got the genuine Rick Whitehead every time.

His worship was contagious.  No matter what mood you were in... no matter your circumstance... his worship... his love for Christ... would bust through whatever you were going through and usher you into the presence of the Lord Almighty... every.single.time.  Singing with him was one of my favorite things on the planet.  Especially when we sang Shout to the Lord together.  I know it's an old song... I do.  But - man... I wish I could sing that with him just one more time.  I wish a lot of things, actually.  That he could officiate my wedding one day... be Grand-fajah to my children... I just wish we could've had him here longer.  That I could've hugged him more.  Spent more time with him.  Sang with him more.  You just expect people to be around forever, you know?  When Rick was diagnosed with Leukemia I just knew he'd recover.  I just knew he'd be okay.  I never thought a year later we'd be saying goodbye to this man that was...is so special to so many.  But - we did.  We said goodbye on May 1st and 2nd.  It's weird.  Weird not having him here.  Knowing that I'll never arrive early to choir again just so I could talk to him.  He's the one I called before every job interview.  He's the one that was always there when my dad was in the hospital.  Him and Pam sat with me through my dad's open heart surgery.  He's always been there.  He was a constant in my life.  I know, with time, this heart of mine will heal.  It's just... I miss him.  I miss him a lot. 

I was talking with some friends the other day... friends that didn't really know Rick... but say they feel like they know him because of me.  Because I talked about him often.  and - that brought me comfort... because I realize that whoever I marry will know Rick.  My children will know him.  They'll know him because I do.... because I'll tell them about him.  and - I'll teach them the things he taught me.  Knowing him made me better.  It changed me.  and - I will always and forever be thankful that I had to opportunity to know him.... to love him.... to be his Dah Dah.

I'll end with some lyrics from a song that describes what knowing Rick meant to me and my life:

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.

Because I knew you... I have been changed for GOOD.

Difficult Times..

You think you’re strong.  You think that in times of trouble you’ll turn to the Lord.  You tell other people to do that.  “Run to Him.”  I’ve said it a million times.  But – until you’re in that place… until you’re there…. you don’t know how you’re gonna handle it.  I handle it by running.  I handle it by getting angry at my God.  Because – who else am I going to blame?  I know it isn’t right.  I know it isn’t healthy.  But – I can’t stop it.  I sit in church and I get so MAD.  I wasn’t made to handle loss.  I wasn’t made to endure this.  and – people don’t get it.  Some do.  Some really do.  But – some REALLY don’t.  and – it makes me feel all alone in this.  I know that’s not the truth but… damn… it sure feels that way sometimes.  The last few days have been really difficult.  I’m just not dealing well.  So… I come here.  To write.  To cry.  In hopes that I’ll feel better.  But – as I’m typing the words I realize it just makes me feel worse.  Makes what I’m thinking more real.  and – I don’t want it to be real.  I don’t want it to be real at all.

My faith is weak.  That I’m sure of.  and – right now… that’s all I’m sure of.

ChristMASS (post from 12/26/14)

This has been THE best two days with family and the friends who’ve become family. And – I don’t say that because the gifts were good. I say that because the last two days have been filled with so much love that I could explode.

Christmas Eve was spent at Rick and Pam’s, as usual. I’m so thankful that Rick was up for it. It was such a blessing to be in that place with those people. It’s so easy to take little things like that for granted. It’s easy to forget that time spent with those you love is a blessing. It’s not a guarantee. It’s a GIFT!! Probably one of the best gifts of all. It was the best night. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else on Christmas Eve.

Today (CHRISTMAS!!!!) was CRAZY. Haha. I started the day early and headed to my sister’s place for a quick breakfast and to see what my nephew got. Once I left there I headed to Dave’s so we could to go to Mass. Then I spent the rest of the day with his family. It was a busy, crazy, fun-filled day. People, food, laughter, and love. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I don’t know why I’m lucky enough to know the people mentioned above but….they’re amazing. And – I’m so thankful I get to know them!! They make life BETTER. God is CRAZY GOOD!! CRAZY GOOD!!

The last 2 days were perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Christmas 2014, you ROCKED. Can’t wait to see you next year!!

Until then…..

This is the Story of a Girl... (post from 4/16/14)

I’ve been wanting to write about life after leaving my dad’s house for quite some time.  I just haven’t made the time to do so.

So – yeah… here it goes…

So much has happened since I started living on my own and left my home church.  I guess that process started about 4 years ago.  Maybe a little longer than that. I’ve learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me.  It’s been a rough but amazing journey.  And – it’s kind of funny that it’s sorta come full circle because my current chapter ends with me living in Moody with a friend and going back to my home church, Bethel.  I have to admit…. I was SUPER nervous about going back to Bethel but it’s been the most amazing blessing.  And – it’s proof that His plans are better than mine.  But – that’s the end. Let’s start at the beginning…….

I met David back in 2009.  He was a semi-new friend and he had a room available for rent.  Him and his roommate were looking for someone to move in soon so I jumped at the opportunity to get out of my dad’s house.  Looking back it probably wasn’t the best decision but I, honestly, don’t regret it.  It wasn’t perfect.  Far from it.  There was lots of drama, lots of fun, lots of conversations, and lots of mistakes.  But there was also a lot of love.  They, to this day, know me better than most do.  The true me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  and – they love me anyway.  Thankfully, my former roommates are still two of my closest friends on the planet.  Without that experience…I wouldn’t be who I am today.  I wouldn’t have the friends I have today.  So much in my life would be different if I hadn’t moved to Center Point.

It was after I left CP that I visited a new church with David.  I wasn’t necessarily looking to leave my church.  I just wanted to check it out.  After a few visits, meeting the people, and finding out what they were all about…I really felt led to plug in there.  So – I very slowly made my transition from Bethel to Branch Life.  This part was rough, friends.  You try leaving a church you’ve been a member of for 14 years and let me know if it’s easy.  Because this wasn’t.  People weren’t happy.  There were lots of talks.  I was getting pressure from both sides.  “Choose.”  “Don’t choose.”  “You can go to both churches.”  “You CANNOT go to both churches. Have you lost your mind?!”.  I heard it all. And – I know both sides love me.  I know both sides wanted what’s best for me.  And – my mistake was dragging my feet.  My mistake was not explaining why I felt led to BLC.  And – now that BLC is over…I think there is one main reason God wanted me there.  Well, maybe two.  First was this… I’m a people pleaser.  I’m a people person.  I love people.  And – there were certain people at Bethel that I had on this pedestal.  They were idols in my life.  And – for those idols to come down I had to be completely removed from the situation.  Relationships suffered and hearts were hurt… but with time things are getting back to the way they should be….to a healthier better place.  and – it makes my heart happy.  The second reason I think God led me to BLC was to grow. To think differently than I’ve ever thought. To challenge me and my beliefs. To make me decide what I believe and why.  During that time I met amazing people.  I was challenged and changed.  Branch Life Church had a huge impact on my life.  They taught me what true community is all about.  Community like that is hard to find.  It’s something I miss very much today.  I count myself lucky to have met and known those people.  To talk with them, and grow with them, and learn from them was a blessing.

For the majority of my time at BLC I lived downtown on 16th Ave. South with 4 other ladies.  Let me just say… living with people is HARD.  It’s fun and crazy and difficult all at the same time.  I LOVED IT.  Well… most of it.  Haha.  Relationships aren’t easy.  They take quite a bit of work.  Plus – I’m not perfect either so… ya know.  But – I think we did the best we could.  I can, honestly, say… that house was full of laughter most of the time.  We prayed together.  We loved on one another.  Birthdays were IMPORTANT and never forgotten.  I learned a lot.  I learned a lot about myself:  Mess doesn’t bother me….AT ALL.  I do actually need alone time.  I have a temper from time to time.  Noises drive me crazy when I’m attempting to sleep.  Opossums invading your room during the night is not ideal and causes sleepless nights for DAYS.  and – I like to scare people but cannot handle being scared.  Haha.  I also learned a lot about others:  Mess really does bother some people….A LOT.  Others require way more alone time than I do.  People don’t get over stuff quick like me.  and – people fall down the stairs…A LOT.  Hahahaha.  Most of my roommates fell down the stairs at least once.  Most of them did more than once!  Hahaha.  Oh, man.  We had Halloween and Christmas parties there and I don’t just mean a few of our closest friends.  The entire world was at those Halloween parties.  I’m so glad I was able to experience that!  and – to live with those people!!  I’m still super close to one of the former roomies.  I was in her wedding and we hang out a good bit.  We were perfect roommates.  I don’t know that we’ve ever had a disagreement, which is quite impressive.  So – yeah… living with 4 other women was fun and difficult and awesome.  I highly recommend it!

Life now?  Well, I’m currently sitting in my bedroom in Moody.  I do live with another guy who is also just a friend.  We get along really well and everything seems to be going perfectly so far!  That fact makes my heart happy.  I’m back at Bethel…and like I said earlier… it’s so GOOD.  I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed being there.  It’s home, you know?  It’s comfortable and familiar and my “family” is there.  Relationships are growing again that had been kind of stagnant because of my leave, which is INCREDIBLE.  I never thought some of those would be good again.  But – that was just my lack of faith, I suppose.  God is good.  His plans are far better than any that I’ll ever make.  I trusted Him when I moved to Center Point and I’m trusting Him now.  I do miss living downtown from time to time.  I mainly miss the people there.  I’m lucky to know them.  and – even luckier to call them friends.  I’m happy here.  It’s peaceful and nice and it’s home.  It’s so nice to finally be home.

What does my next chapter hold?  I have no idea.  and – I kind of like it that way.  The unknown used to freak me out…. okay… it still kind of does but… it’s a welcomed freak out.  Haha.  Bring it on, world.  I’m ready for just about anything!  Hey.  I said just about anything.  Let’s not get too crazy.  ;o)

Until next time….
James

Let it be so... (post from 3/31/14)

It’s a shame that I haven’t posted since November.  But – life has been CRAZY so I’ll use that as an excuse….for now.  ;o)  A ton has happened since I last posted so… here we go…

I moved to Moody!!  Woot!!  My roommate ended up not having to work out of town so much so he’s basically here all the time.  But – I kind of like it that way.  I’d probably be super lonely if he was gone a ton.  Things are going really well.  We get along.  We cook a good bit.  It’s been AWESOME.  So far it’s been drama and issue free and I really think it’s going to stay that way!  It makes my heart happy.

Since moving back to Moody I’ve also started going to Bethel, my home church, again.  I thought it’d be weird but… it’s actually been kind of awesome.  It’s super nice to be home.

I do miss certain things about Branch Life.  I miss the people like crazy.  and – there’s nothing better than Josh’s teaching.  and – there’s something to be said about the community there.  I haven’t experienced it anywhere else I’ve been.  It’s what I miss most. 

This week I did get to spend some time with the guys and tonight I got to celebrate with a friend that got ENGAGED tonight.  It was SO nice to be able to spend time with those people!  To be with them, love on them, catch up with them.  It was refreshing.

Other friendships are changing.  Ones that I didn’t expect to change.  Ones I didn’t want to change.  Ones that I’m super confused as to why they’re changing.  and – I can’t stop it.  I have no control here…and, honestly, it was DRIVING ME CRAZY.  I’m one who needs explanation.  If someone is mad… I want to know.  It’s not easy for me to just let it go.  But – it’s getting easier.  I don’t want to force someone to be in my life that doesn’t want to.  and – if they don’t want to…then I should be okay with that.  So… today…. today I’m okay with it.  Today.  Man, today I’m happy!  and – I haven’t been for a little while now.  So – I’m going to embrace it and hold onto it while it lasts because there’s just about nothing better.

I wasn’t looking forward to this semester….AT ALL.  I didn’t know if I wanted to continue.  I thought doing school was a mistake.  I.  WAS.  WRONG.  Even if I don’t finish… or don’t end up using this degree…. I’m really learning a lot and the Lord seems to be speaking to me through these classes.  I’m reading a book about leadership right now and the author talks a lot about finding your “calling”.  He challenges you to really think about what you’re naturally good at.  and – to think about what your gifts are.  I don’t necessarily know what my “calling” is but… I do know that I love people.  I love encouraging them, spending time with them, laughing with them, crying with them.  I just love people.  I have an idea of what I kind of want to do with that… I’m just not sure how I can make it happen.  So… I’m going to pray about it and see where that leads!

For the first time…in a long time… I feel joy.  I feel peace.  and – the tears I’m crying are not tears of sadness.  ::sighs::  Finally.

Happy Sunday…whoever you might be.  Happy Sunday, indeed.