Life is a roller coaster.

Today started off with a rush of sadness and tears.  I was upset.  Heartbroken.  I cried... I sought counsel.  What didn't I do?  I didn't pray.  I have others praying for me.  But - did I turn to the only One that can fix all of this?  Nope.  I decided to cry and be sad and play in the darkness.  This is a very dangerous habit to have.  I'm hoping that in the future I can be more aware of how this type of situation should really be handled.  Because - in all reality... no one has true control over my emotions.  Just because someone treats me a certain way doesn't mean I should react like I do.  Yes, I'm emotional.  Yes, my heart is usually exposed at all times.  But - that is no one's fault but mine.  So - I'm gonna work on it.  Ha.  I feel like I'm always coming to this conclusion.  Maybe one day it will stick.

On a brighter note:  I've had some improvement in another area that was going down hill fast.  It's an unexpected but welcomed improvement.  I love when the Lord literally says, "Hey!  I got this.  Trust me, okay?".  It just reminds me of how undeserving I am.  How imperfect I am.  How flawed all my relationships are.  But - God is good and He is faithful.  He's in control.  HE'S AMAZING.  And - I'm so thankful that even though I may be messing things up constantly...He's working.  He's moving.  He's there.  He's always there and I am so very thankful that He is.

Things are looking up.

Head held high,

James

Blessed.

God is good.  All the time.  And - all the time.  God is good.

I'm lucky.  I can put my sadness aside.  I can walk away from it for a while.  I can even forget about it for an entire day.  And - when this happens I'm reminded of how blessed I truly am.  I have amazing people in my life and even though I feel like I'm losing people that I love and don't want to let go... I'm still surrounded by people that love me unconditionally and that's so amazing.

I went to dinner with a friend tonight.  We haven't known each other for very long but she's become one of my favorite people.  I find it easy to open up to her.  I know I can talk to her about the hard stuff and she gives me advice from a completely neutral point of view... and it's biblical.  I.  Love.  That.  She's wise beyond her years and still a child at heart too.  (We have the child at heart thing in common.)   We laughed a lot tonight.  Talked a lot.  It was just so refreshing.  I just needed tonight so much.  My heart and soul needed that girl time.  To chat.  To laugh.  To cry a little.  To just be.  I am so thankful.  And - not just for her.  For all my female friends.  Who knew a girl that preferred to hang out with guys would be surrounded by amazing women that I now call friends.  I didn't think that would be my story.  I actually didn't want that to be my story.  But - I'm so thankful that it is.  So - despite my sadness from time to time... I'm joyful.  I'm grateful.  I'm thankful.  I count myself blessed.

My God is good.  All the time.  And - all the time.  God is good.

The problem is this....

I feel like I'm losing way too many people in my life right now.  Important people.  And - maybe that's not accurate but that's the way it feels.  I keep asking myself if it's worth it and I still haven't decided if it is.  It's like everyone around me keeps placing conditions on our friendships and that's just not fair.  "I'll be your friend if you give me a little space."  Or - "I'll be your friend if you go to my church."  Or - "You may think you know what's best for your life and what direction God is leading you in... but you're very wrong.  But - I do know...so do what I tell you.".  It's just all so frustrating.  Love is supposed to be unconditional.  You shouldn't love me because of what I can do for you or because I do what you ask.  You should love me because that's what you're called to do.  But - is that what happens?  No.  Because people are selfish and when things get uncomfortable they either bail or try to mold you into the friend that they want or need you to be.  Because - I forgot... it's all about you, right.  Forget it being about Him at all.  I just don't get it.  And - I don't know that I ever will.  It just sucks.  I wish I could get to a point where it doesn't bother me and maybe I will.  I just know I haven't gotten there yet.  It bothers me daily.  And - maybe that's why I'm in this funk that I feel like I can't get out of.  A lot of the time...I'm good.  I'm happy.  I'm lovin' life.  But - then I come home... and there's this ache in my soul that won't go away.  This sadness that I can't escape for too long.  I don't know what it is or why it's there but I don't like it.  It's just not me.  And - I need it to go away.

I am not okay.

I can't describe it... but it's not good.  I am far from being okay and I hate it.  I don't know how to fix it.  Or - how to walk away from it.  I feel like I could seriously sleep for days and that be okay.  Disconnect from everything and everyone and be fine.  I'm tired.  I'm sad.  I'm broken.  I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm hurt.  My heart hurts.  My soul aches.  I hate this but I let it happen.  I don't stop it, confront it, or pray about it.  I'm just here.  Going through the motions but not really living.  Not really feeling.  Not really me.  And - I feel like I'm surrounded by people that don't notice.  They're unaware that something just isn't right.  I always say "You can tell what mood I'm in by looking at my face.  It's written there.  I can't hide it." and that's true for the most part.  But - what if it's something deeper?  Something that's not on the surface.  Something more.  I guess I can't blame them though.  Because honestly... sometimes I'm not aware until I'm knee deep in it.  And - that's when I notice somethings wrong.  Something isn't right.  I guess the important question is this:  Do I give up?  Or - do I fight?