A Different View.

Many of you know that I have a "second" family.  I can't tell you exactly how long we've known each other... or where it all began.  All I know is that at some point I became their "Dah Dah" and they became my "Fajah" and "Momma".  Not very many understand our relationship.  Some never will completely get it.  But - basically... God put us on a collision course and my life hasn't been the same since.  Things haven't been so great with them lately.  But - today I was able to spend some time with my "Momma" and it made me realize exactly how much I truly do MISS them.  I miss them like crazy.  So - I'm going to start making a huge effort to be with them more.  Relationships sometimes call for sacrifice.  So - I'm willing to do that.  I'm willing to sacrifice in order to be with them.  It may not be easy... and it may not be fun... but I know without a doubt that it will be worth it.  I wish you could know them like I do.  I wish more than anything you could understand.  But - I don't know that you can.  I don't know that you ever will.  And - that's okay.

I wrote yesterday about love and walking away.  I realized today that... Rick isn't choosing to walk away.  He's loving me the only way he knows how... and that's by stepping back... and letting me make my own decisions.  In doing so... he's also guarding his heart.  I know he's hurting.  I can see that.  And - it makes me so sad to know that I'm the one hurting him.  He wants what's best for me.  And - he thinks he knows what that is.  I guess most parents think they know what's best for their child.  He wants to protect me.  But - he can't.  So - I'm understanding a little more the "why" in all of this.  Understanding.  That's all I've wanted.  And - now I have it.  I may not understand it all... but understanding just a little eases the pain of this heart of mine.  I believe in time things will be just fine.  I just have to be patient.  I have to choose love.  I have to choose grace.  I have to choose forgiveness.  I have to seek Christ in all of this and trust that He knows what's best.  So - that's exactly what I'm doing.  I choose Christ.  and - I trust that no matter what happens... His plans are HIGHER than mine.  Because they are.

Therapy.

I guess I'm just dwelling on the bad tonight.  Because everything running through my head makes me want to cry.  So - I'm gonna take this time to get it all out.  You should probably stop reading now.  This is for me.

I'm having a hard time loving certain people today.  Choosing forgiveness.  Choosing grace.  Choosing to love.  I'm battling that hard.  Today I want to say... I'm done.  I actually don't want you in my life.  I want to walk away.  I have other people I can count on.  People that love me.  People I can trust.  People that are real.  People that love me no matter what my flaws may be.  People that I love right back.  I don't know.  It's strange how quickly things can change sometimes.  And - I'm not saying I'm upset about this change.  It's just strange.  And - difficult.  Because there are some people I just don't enjoy being around right now.  I'm not saying that it's okay for me to feel that way.  It isn't.  But - that doesn't change my way of thinking at the moment.  Hopefully time will change that.  If it doesn't... man... things are going to get weird in about a week or so.

Tonight I was at dinner with some people from church.  People that I would normally call my friends... and don't get me wrong... some of those people ARE my friends.  But - others... not so much these days.  Not by my definition of "friend" anyways.  So - tonight at dinner... I just felt... alone.  I felt utterly and completely alone.  From the moment I walked in the door of the restaurant I wanted to walk right back out.  I should have.  But - a girl was there tonight that I haven't seen in a while... so I went to be with her.  We didn't get to talk much though, so I might as well not have been there at all.  I should've followed my intuition and gone straight home after church.  But - I didn't.

I've learned a lot of lessons this year.  One of the main ones is this:  No matter how many times someone tells you they "love you like you're their daughter"... it doesn't make it true.  They could say it 'til they're blue in the face and it would be a lie.  It may not be a lie in that moment... but once you do something they don't approve of... or something that disappoints them... or something that hurts them... they won't choose to love you....  they will choose to walk away.  If you really loved someone like they were family then walking away really isn't possible.  Not in this case anyways.  Because - if you love someone like they're your child then you will love them no matter what.  Yes, there will be discipline and such but love will always be evident.  Well - it isn't evident.  It's actually non-existent these days.  I don't know how to deal with that.  I don't know how to digest it.  I don't know what to do about it.  I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know.  I just... don't.... know.  And - to be honest... that sucks.  I wish things were different.  I wish I could go back and handle things in a different way.  Paint things in a different light.  But - at this point I think there's been so much misinterpretation that there's no going back.  The only one that can fix this is the Lord... and I don't even know if this one is supposed to get fixed.  I guess with time I'll know the answer to that one too.  Time.

That brings me to another subject I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Misinterpretation.  I'm surrounded by it these days.  You can say something one way and mean it that ONE way and I could get something completely different out of it.  I think a lot of times I hear what you say... then I process it with my heart and it becomes something totally different.  I don't do this intentionally... but it happens.  And - it can cause a world of trouble.  I'm not the only one that does this though.  People do it all day every day.  It's so strange.  You just have to be very careful about the way you say things.  And - if you're confronting a situation... I would say NEVER confront it via email, text, or a letter.  It should always be face to face... otherwise things WILL be misunderstood.  They get misunderstood enough in person... why risk it in writing?  I've actually never been a huge fan of face to face confrontation... but I think it's necessary.  It just makes sense to do it that way, if possible.  Avoid misinterpretation at all costs.  Believe me.  It hurts you and others.

I guess that's all I have for now.  If you read all of this... I'm sorry.  You should've stopped reading when I asked you to.  :o)