Joyful, Joyful.

I realized something about myself this Christmas when it comes to gift giving.  I am a joyful giver but an ungrateful receiver.  and - I haven't always been that way... and it's definitely something I want to change.

I love giving presents.  It's probably one of my favorite things to do, besides laugh.  :o)  Finding the perfect gift for someone is one of the greatest feelings ever.  and - when their reaction is exactly what you expected...it just makes that experience even better!  So - I'm a joyful giver!

But.... an ungrateful receiver....

The good thing is that I don't expect presents.  Well... not from my friends, anyways.  I do from family and that's where this whole joyful giver, ungrateful receiver thing comes into play.  With my family.  I'm not usually one who enjoys much family time.  The Lord has been working on me in that area though so I was convinced this year would be different.  It was in some ways but... not so much in others.  This year I put a good bit of thought into my gifts for everyone.  Well, everyone but dad.  I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO GET HIM.  Luckily, he loved it all.  That or he pretended to.  Either way is okay with me.  ;o)  Anyways... my disappointment mainly is in the gifts I get each year from my sisters.  I get presents for them AND their children.  and - not just one but quite a few for the children AND for them.  I guess I just expect more because of that.  I don't want to feel that way but... I do.  and - I really need my heart to change on the matter because I don't like feeling disappointed because I expected more.  I mean, I was being such a brat about it all.  I didn't act like this around them, of course.  It was all in my head... but they knew something was wrong.  I can't hide emotion, remember.  It's written all over my face.  Bleh.  

I'll do better next year.  I hope.

My Love Goes Free

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Truth. That's basically what it is. The above quote really made me me think. It made me curious as to what kind of love I think I deserve. Or - better yet...what do my actions say about this?! I'll share my ponderings with you, of course. But - I'm not very happy or proud of the conclusions that I've come to about myself. That said, here it goes...

I examined a few areas of "me"...meaning me in high school, me post high school, and me now.  I think in each setting I've been very desperate for love.  To be loved, to be accepted, etc.  I've gone through many phases of what I'll call crushes... or infatuation.  and - this wasn't just me liking a guy for a week.  I liked most of these men for years.  and - not many of them ever showed signs of being interested in me.  But - I let the friendships continue in the unhealthy way because any attention was better than no attention.  At least, thats what I had convinced myself anyways.  These unhealthy friendships led to major attachment and dependence on my part.  Most of these guys were super close friends of mine and that made it even more difficult...on both of us.  It usually ended up putting a strain on the friendship and made me an emotional mess.  Out of all of these "men" that this occurred with... only one was man enough to call me out on it.  I'm thankful to say... he's one of my best friends today.  Some of the others I'm still close to as well, which kind of blows my mind because I was def a little crazy back in the day.

Luckily, the Lord has really protected me when it comes to relationships.  I've never dated anyone.  and - if a guy has liked me I usually don't find out until he isn't interested anymore.  I say He protected me because I know me... and I know that I would've done anything necessary to keep a man, had he shown interest.  I'm not saying that's right... and I'm definitely not saying that'd be the case now.  But - it most definitely would've been the case then.  Even after meeting Jesus, I still looked to people to satisfy me.  I will probably always struggle with that.  BUT - He's working on me and in me and He has done a great work in me.  and - He will continue to do so.  I am not the person I once was... and I am so thankful for that.

So - what about now?  Well, I think it just depends on the day.  But - for the most part, I am not looking for a man to fulfill me.  That can only come from Christ.  and - if His plans for me are to have a husband... then I'm totally okay with that!  But - my standards are set high... and I think that's definitely a good thing!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

I love this time of year....