Difficult Times..

You think you’re strong.  You think that in times of trouble you’ll turn to the Lord.  You tell other people to do that.  “Run to Him.”  I’ve said it a million times.  But – until you’re in that place… until you’re there…. you don’t know how you’re gonna handle it.  I handle it by running.  I handle it by getting angry at my God.  Because – who else am I going to blame?  I know it isn’t right.  I know it isn’t healthy.  But – I can’t stop it.  I sit in church and I get so MAD.  I wasn’t made to handle loss.  I wasn’t made to endure this.  and – people don’t get it.  Some do.  Some really do.  But – some REALLY don’t.  and – it makes me feel all alone in this.  I know that’s not the truth but… damn… it sure feels that way sometimes.  The last few days have been really difficult.  I’m just not dealing well.  So… I come here.  To write.  To cry.  In hopes that I’ll feel better.  But – as I’m typing the words I realize it just makes me feel worse.  Makes what I’m thinking more real.  and – I don’t want it to be real.  I don’t want it to be real at all.

My faith is weak.  That I’m sure of.  and – right now… that’s all I’m sure of.

ChristMASS (post from 12/26/14)

This has been THE best two days with family and the friends who’ve become family. And – I don’t say that because the gifts were good. I say that because the last two days have been filled with so much love that I could explode.

Christmas Eve was spent at Rick and Pam’s, as usual. I’m so thankful that Rick was up for it. It was such a blessing to be in that place with those people. It’s so easy to take little things like that for granted. It’s easy to forget that time spent with those you love is a blessing. It’s not a guarantee. It’s a GIFT!! Probably one of the best gifts of all. It was the best night. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else on Christmas Eve.

Today (CHRISTMAS!!!!) was CRAZY. Haha. I started the day early and headed to my sister’s place for a quick breakfast and to see what my nephew got. Once I left there I headed to Dave’s so we could to go to Mass. Then I spent the rest of the day with his family. It was a busy, crazy, fun-filled day. People, food, laughter, and love. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I don’t know why I’m lucky enough to know the people mentioned above but….they’re amazing. And – I’m so thankful I get to know them!! They make life BETTER. God is CRAZY GOOD!! CRAZY GOOD!!

The last 2 days were perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Christmas 2014, you ROCKED. Can’t wait to see you next year!!

Until then…..

This is the Story of a Girl... (post from 4/16/14)

I’ve been wanting to write about life after leaving my dad’s house for quite some time.  I just haven’t made the time to do so.

So – yeah… here it goes…

So much has happened since I started living on my own and left my home church.  I guess that process started about 4 years ago.  Maybe a little longer than that. I’ve learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me.  It’s been a rough but amazing journey.  And – it’s kind of funny that it’s sorta come full circle because my current chapter ends with me living in Moody with a friend and going back to my home church, Bethel.  I have to admit…. I was SUPER nervous about going back to Bethel but it’s been the most amazing blessing.  And – it’s proof that His plans are better than mine.  But – that’s the end. Let’s start at the beginning…….

I met David back in 2009.  He was a semi-new friend and he had a room available for rent.  Him and his roommate were looking for someone to move in soon so I jumped at the opportunity to get out of my dad’s house.  Looking back it probably wasn’t the best decision but I, honestly, don’t regret it.  It wasn’t perfect.  Far from it.  There was lots of drama, lots of fun, lots of conversations, and lots of mistakes.  But there was also a lot of love.  They, to this day, know me better than most do.  The true me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  and – they love me anyway.  Thankfully, my former roommates are still two of my closest friends on the planet.  Without that experience…I wouldn’t be who I am today.  I wouldn’t have the friends I have today.  So much in my life would be different if I hadn’t moved to Center Point.

It was after I left CP that I visited a new church with David.  I wasn’t necessarily looking to leave my church.  I just wanted to check it out.  After a few visits, meeting the people, and finding out what they were all about…I really felt led to plug in there.  So – I very slowly made my transition from Bethel to Branch Life.  This part was rough, friends.  You try leaving a church you’ve been a member of for 14 years and let me know if it’s easy.  Because this wasn’t.  People weren’t happy.  There were lots of talks.  I was getting pressure from both sides.  “Choose.”  “Don’t choose.”  “You can go to both churches.”  “You CANNOT go to both churches. Have you lost your mind?!”.  I heard it all. And – I know both sides love me.  I know both sides wanted what’s best for me.  And – my mistake was dragging my feet.  My mistake was not explaining why I felt led to BLC.  And – now that BLC is over…I think there is one main reason God wanted me there.  Well, maybe two.  First was this… I’m a people pleaser.  I’m a people person.  I love people.  And – there were certain people at Bethel that I had on this pedestal.  They were idols in my life.  And – for those idols to come down I had to be completely removed from the situation.  Relationships suffered and hearts were hurt… but with time things are getting back to the way they should be….to a healthier better place.  and – it makes my heart happy.  The second reason I think God led me to BLC was to grow. To think differently than I’ve ever thought. To challenge me and my beliefs. To make me decide what I believe and why.  During that time I met amazing people.  I was challenged and changed.  Branch Life Church had a huge impact on my life.  They taught me what true community is all about.  Community like that is hard to find.  It’s something I miss very much today.  I count myself lucky to have met and known those people.  To talk with them, and grow with them, and learn from them was a blessing.

For the majority of my time at BLC I lived downtown on 16th Ave. South with 4 other ladies.  Let me just say… living with people is HARD.  It’s fun and crazy and difficult all at the same time.  I LOVED IT.  Well… most of it.  Haha.  Relationships aren’t easy.  They take quite a bit of work.  Plus – I’m not perfect either so… ya know.  But – I think we did the best we could.  I can, honestly, say… that house was full of laughter most of the time.  We prayed together.  We loved on one another.  Birthdays were IMPORTANT and never forgotten.  I learned a lot.  I learned a lot about myself:  Mess doesn’t bother me….AT ALL.  I do actually need alone time.  I have a temper from time to time.  Noises drive me crazy when I’m attempting to sleep.  Opossums invading your room during the night is not ideal and causes sleepless nights for DAYS.  and – I like to scare people but cannot handle being scared.  Haha.  I also learned a lot about others:  Mess really does bother some people….A LOT.  Others require way more alone time than I do.  People don’t get over stuff quick like me.  and – people fall down the stairs…A LOT.  Hahahaha.  Most of my roommates fell down the stairs at least once.  Most of them did more than once!  Hahaha.  Oh, man.  We had Halloween and Christmas parties there and I don’t just mean a few of our closest friends.  The entire world was at those Halloween parties.  I’m so glad I was able to experience that!  and – to live with those people!!  I’m still super close to one of the former roomies.  I was in her wedding and we hang out a good bit.  We were perfect roommates.  I don’t know that we’ve ever had a disagreement, which is quite impressive.  So – yeah… living with 4 other women was fun and difficult and awesome.  I highly recommend it!

Life now?  Well, I’m currently sitting in my bedroom in Moody.  I do live with another guy who is also just a friend.  We get along really well and everything seems to be going perfectly so far!  That fact makes my heart happy.  I’m back at Bethel…and like I said earlier… it’s so GOOD.  I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed being there.  It’s home, you know?  It’s comfortable and familiar and my “family” is there.  Relationships are growing again that had been kind of stagnant because of my leave, which is INCREDIBLE.  I never thought some of those would be good again.  But – that was just my lack of faith, I suppose.  God is good.  His plans are far better than any that I’ll ever make.  I trusted Him when I moved to Center Point and I’m trusting Him now.  I do miss living downtown from time to time.  I mainly miss the people there.  I’m lucky to know them.  and – even luckier to call them friends.  I’m happy here.  It’s peaceful and nice and it’s home.  It’s so nice to finally be home.

What does my next chapter hold?  I have no idea.  and – I kind of like it that way.  The unknown used to freak me out…. okay… it still kind of does but… it’s a welcomed freak out.  Haha.  Bring it on, world.  I’m ready for just about anything!  Hey.  I said just about anything.  Let’s not get too crazy.  ;o)

Until next time….
James

Let it be so... (post from 3/31/14)

It’s a shame that I haven’t posted since November.  But – life has been CRAZY so I’ll use that as an excuse….for now.  ;o)  A ton has happened since I last posted so… here we go…

I moved to Moody!!  Woot!!  My roommate ended up not having to work out of town so much so he’s basically here all the time.  But – I kind of like it that way.  I’d probably be super lonely if he was gone a ton.  Things are going really well.  We get along.  We cook a good bit.  It’s been AWESOME.  So far it’s been drama and issue free and I really think it’s going to stay that way!  It makes my heart happy.

Since moving back to Moody I’ve also started going to Bethel, my home church, again.  I thought it’d be weird but… it’s actually been kind of awesome.  It’s super nice to be home.

I do miss certain things about Branch Life.  I miss the people like crazy.  and – there’s nothing better than Josh’s teaching.  and – there’s something to be said about the community there.  I haven’t experienced it anywhere else I’ve been.  It’s what I miss most. 

This week I did get to spend some time with the guys and tonight I got to celebrate with a friend that got ENGAGED tonight.  It was SO nice to be able to spend time with those people!  To be with them, love on them, catch up with them.  It was refreshing.

Other friendships are changing.  Ones that I didn’t expect to change.  Ones I didn’t want to change.  Ones that I’m super confused as to why they’re changing.  and – I can’t stop it.  I have no control here…and, honestly, it was DRIVING ME CRAZY.  I’m one who needs explanation.  If someone is mad… I want to know.  It’s not easy for me to just let it go.  But – it’s getting easier.  I don’t want to force someone to be in my life that doesn’t want to.  and – if they don’t want to…then I should be okay with that.  So… today…. today I’m okay with it.  Today.  Man, today I’m happy!  and – I haven’t been for a little while now.  So – I’m going to embrace it and hold onto it while it lasts because there’s just about nothing better.

I wasn’t looking forward to this semester….AT ALL.  I didn’t know if I wanted to continue.  I thought doing school was a mistake.  I.  WAS.  WRONG.  Even if I don’t finish… or don’t end up using this degree…. I’m really learning a lot and the Lord seems to be speaking to me through these classes.  I’m reading a book about leadership right now and the author talks a lot about finding your “calling”.  He challenges you to really think about what you’re naturally good at.  and – to think about what your gifts are.  I don’t necessarily know what my “calling” is but… I do know that I love people.  I love encouraging them, spending time with them, laughing with them, crying with them.  I just love people.  I have an idea of what I kind of want to do with that… I’m just not sure how I can make it happen.  So… I’m going to pray about it and see where that leads!

For the first time…in a long time… I feel joy.  I feel peace.  and – the tears I’m crying are not tears of sadness.  ::sighs::  Finally.

Happy Sunday…whoever you might be.  Happy Sunday, indeed.

Times... They are a Changin'! (post from 11/13/13)

LIFE IS CRAZY.  Crazy.  For real.  and – by life I mean everything.  and – by everything I mean the LORD.  This past year I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stressed about finding roommates to replace roommates that left suddenly.  I’ve stressed about having to move out.  I’ve LONGED to have my own place and my own space.  and – it seems like everything is finally working out.  A friend approached me last week to ask if I’d think about living in his house when he moves away for a job.  He would give me an amazing deal on rent and such.  PLUS – I’ll have my own house…basically.  He’ll stay there when he’s in town.  So – I thought about it and talked to my current roomies and decided to take the plunge.  I’m not excited about being 30 minutes from my job but I’ll be closer to my family and I think they really want me to be closer.  So – that’ll be really nice.  Nice and a little insane.  Ha.  I.  CAN’T.  WAIT.  It’s gonna be awesome.

Church.  Well… I haven’t been to church for a few weeks now.  I was sick one week and behind on school another.  So – it’s been difficult.  Then – with this whole moving thing….that seems to kind of change the search a LOT.  I want to be close to my church home.  It’d be super easy to go back to Bethel.  and – I may try that for a while.  It’s just going to be super weird.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I mean, it is home.  I just wasn’t expecting to be back there just yet.  But – I wasn’t expecting to leave either so… I’m just going to trust that the Lord will guide my steps.  and – I believe I’ll end up at the place He wants me to be.  I always have.  He’s so faithful.

Friendships.  I, honestly, can’t complain.  Things are beautiful.  and – the ones that aren’t… aren’t supposed to be.  I have never been more satisfied in this area…and I think it’s because I’m not holding on as tightly as I have in the past.  It makes things easier.  It makes life easier.  It makes friendships BETTER.  I’m not saying I’ve got it quite right just yet… and I may never get it perfect but… right now…. life is good.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Health.  On Sunday I randomly went to the store and came home with healthy stuff.  WHAT.  YES.  I was like, “Okay.  Let’s do this.  Greek yogurt?  Check.  Soup?  Check.  Apples?  Check.”  So – I have stuff for healthy breakfast, lunch, and snacks ALL WEEK.  I just didn’t think about dinner.  Ha.  Maybe I should go back to the store.  ;)

Well… that’s all I have for now.  Happy Tuesday to you….whoever you might be.

James

LIfe is a Highway (post from 10/24/13)

I feel like a TON has happened that I haven’t written about. So – this is my attempt to kind of catch whoever might be reading this up on the goings on of my life. :)

I’m currently about half way through my first semester back in school. Let me just say….being in college at the age of 31 is weird. Shoot. Being 31 is WEIRD! Anyway…. My major is biblical studies and my minor is ministry. The goal, right now, is to be a hospital chaplain one day. We shall see if that actually happens or not. I’ll do whatever the Lord wants so…we shall see what His plan for me ends up being.

Branch Life officially ended almost a month ago. It’s so strange. The last service was really sad…but it was also really nice. Micah and Rachel were able to come back for it. And – he was able to lead worship one last time. It was beautiful. (Side note: Micah, in my opinion, is already an amazing worship leader. I can’t imagine what seminary and internships is gonna do for him! I’ll definitely be visiting wherever he ends up in the future.) Life after BLC has been pretty normal, I guess. It’s definitely different not getting to see my community each week. I don’t even see my friends as much. I guess that’s to be expected but….I miss them….a lot. I’ve visited a few churches and I plan to visit a few more. This is probably the part that’s the scariest. Finding another church home isn’t easy. But – I’m trusting that the Lord will guide my steps. He did before…and He will again.

Lots of friendships are changing. At first I thought this was a bad thing….but now I’m realizing it’s not. I’m less stressed. I’m not hurting anymore. AND – I’M HAPPY. Sometimes things really do happen for a reason. :)

Well…I think that’s all I have for now. Maybe next time I write I’ll be able to tell you that I’ve found a church home!! EEEEEEEKK.

It's the End of the World as We Know it... (post from 9/23/13)

….and I feel fine.  Kind of.

Next Sunday the church I’ve been a part of for the last 2 years will close it doors for good.  The community of believers I now consider friends will part ways.  Our pastor and his family will move to Canada in January.  Three of our congregation have already moved out of state.  Small groups will end.  and – then to top it all off…Breaking Bad’s last episode is next Sunday as well.  It’s going to be weird.  It’s going to be emotional.  I’m going to miss the mess out of Branch Life Church.  It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to a place and a people that have taught me so much.  It’s the place the Lord led me so He could tear down some walls of mine….and to get rid of some idols too.  I thought I’d be here longer.  I was wrong… but I rest in the fact that His plans are far greater than mine.  So – even as I wonder where this road will lead…I trust that He has a plan.  A plan for all of us BLCers.  I can’t help but hope that some of us will end up at the same place.  It’d be nice to see a familiar face in the crowd.  I also can’t help but fear that these people that I’ve grown to love and care for so much will fade out of my life.  I don’t want that.  I want these friendships to continue.  I just wonder if they will.  So much is in the air right now.  I long for stability.  Home, church, friends, family, etc.  I want the change to stop.  Or – I at least want to be more prepared for it.  For life.  Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s possible.  You can only be prepared for so much.  I assume things will always take me by surprise.  I guess that’s just part of it.

Next week is going to be weird.  I’m not looking forward to it.  and – I expect to cry…….a lot.  I just hope these people realize how much they mean to me.  Them…my time at Branch Life…it’s all been amazing.  I’m so thankful the Lord led me there.  Even if it was for a short time.  I’m grateful.  So grateful.

So… yes….it’s the end of the world as we know it….and I feel fine.  Kind of.  Eh.  I’ll get there.