Difficult Times..

You think you’re strong.  You think that in times of trouble you’ll turn to the Lord.  You tell other people to do that.  “Run to Him.”  I’ve said it a million times.  But – until you’re in that place… until you’re there…. you don’t know how you’re gonna handle it.  I handle it by running.  I handle it by getting angry at my God.  Because – who else am I going to blame?  I know it isn’t right.  I know it isn’t healthy.  But – I can’t stop it.  I sit in church and I get so MAD.  I wasn’t made to handle loss.  I wasn’t made to endure this.  and – people don’t get it.  Some do.  Some really do.  But – some REALLY don’t.  and – it makes me feel all alone in this.  I know that’s not the truth but… damn… it sure feels that way sometimes.  The last few days have been really difficult.  I’m just not dealing well.  So… I come here.  To write.  To cry.  In hopes that I’ll feel better.  But – as I’m typing the words I realize it just makes me feel worse.  Makes what I’m thinking more real.  and – I don’t want it to be real.  I don’t want it to be real at all.

My faith is weak.  That I’m sure of.  and – right now… that’s all I’m sure of.