I hope that's enough...

I feel like my guard is always up.  Has been for at least the last year.  I'm easily offended and fast to defend my friends or actions.  It shouldn't be like that.  I can't wait for everything to be semi-normal again.  No more defending my friendships.  No more defending my decisions.  No more.  I just want it to be done.  Friendships shouldn't be as hard as they seem to be right now.  Going to church shouldn't be as drama filled as it feels right now.  I just feel bombarded all day every day.  And - I'm so tired of it.  I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!"  Because - I feel like I'm surrounded by people that have forgotten that this life ISN'T ALL ABOUT THEM.  It's not about me.  It's not about you.  It's about the bringing glory and honor to our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Why is that so easily forgotten?  Why is how we feel so much more important than knowing that what we're doing with our lives is honoring Christ?  I mean, I'm guilty of this too.  We all are.  We are a sinful, imperfect people.  But - it's so easy to get so lost in it sometimes.  So lost that you don't even realize you're in it.... until you're in it so deep you can't seem to get out.  And - then there are people that refuse to acknowledge the fact that you have changed.  No matter what you do differently... they still see the old you.  They refuse to see something new.  How do you change that?  How do you make them see you're different?  In reality, there really isn't anything that I can do.  It's going to take Christ to make them see the change.  That's what I'm hoping for.  That's what I'm praying for now.

Lord, show them the areas that I'm different.  And - show me the areas that I need to work on.  Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.  Open the eyes of my heart.  Reveal to me the things that aren't of You.  Show me what You want removed from my life.  Mold me into your image, Father.  Make me new.

I know I'm not perfect.  But - I also know I'm different.  I praise Him for that.  I'm not the person I was last year.  Or - even a few weeks ago.  There will always be areas that need some work because I will never be good enough.  I will never be perfect.  I will never do things the way you or anyone else wants me to.  I can't be what you need me to be.  All I can do is seek Christ and love people.  I hope that's enough.