Choices...

I know you don't understand me.  I don't understand me.  I heard those words when I got home today.  Grey's Anatomy was on and those were Meredith's words to Derek.  I've felt that way lately.  Especially today.  Misunderstood.  I hate that.  I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve most days and maybe that's a bad thing.  You can always tell what mood I'm in by looking at my face.  It's written there.  Always.  No matter how hard I try to hide it...I can't.  It's almost impossible.  So...I'm emotional.  Yes.  It's a part of who I am.  But - I should be able to control it.  For the most part I think that I'm able to.  Sometimes...not so much.  The past two days have been super emotional for me.  I hate that.  I don't like crying.  It makes me feel weak.  I don't know what my problem is!  I just feel like I care too much about people.  WAY TOO MUCH!  You see...I have this problem.  I love people with my whole heart.  It's the way I've always been. A part of me hopes that never changes.  But another part wants it to change so badly.  I like loving people...doing stuff for them.  Making them smile.  It makes my heart happy.  But it's become something really unhealthy.  It's become something that has begun to hurt me.  It's become something that can potentially hurt others.  It's definitely something that I need to control...or rather give to God and let Him completely take over.  My heart does belong to Him after all.  It was bought at a price.  My life...my heart...my decisions...my everything is no longer my own.  It's His!  Gosh.  Sometimes I feel like I have the same realizations over and over again.  This is one of them.  If I know this already then why do I continue to let it happen?!  It doesn't make any sense.  It's the same with my quiet time.  I know I should have one.  But - I've never had a consistent one.  EVER.  My problem is priority.  I put everything and everyone else before my God.  Before my Jesus.  Before the One who died for me.  Before the One who saved my soul.  It's crazy.  He's the only One who will never leave me.  He's the One who knows me.  He knows my every thought.  He knows what's best for me...even if I don't.  I matter to Him!  He's the only One who will love me no matter what.  His love is unconditional.  His love is amazing.  His love.  There's nothing like His love.  You'll never be able to find anything that compares.  We think that we can.  We might even think we already have.  It's not possible.  His love is one of a kind.  It's special.  It blows my mind.  If all of that is true (and it is) then why do I continue to make the decisions that I do.  Why am I not guarding my heart?  Why do I let everyone in?  Sometimes I literally feel like my chest is open and my heart exposed for anyone and everyone to do what they want with it.  Some handle it delicately.  Others...not so much.  This could all be avoided, of course.  I just have to make the decision to follow Christ.  To follow Him no matter what the cost.  To choose Him above all else...above everyone and everything.  So that's where I am right now.  It's time to make a decision.  Do I continue to let others rule over my heart...or do I return it to the One it really belongs to anyway?!!  I choose Christ and I know I'll NEVER be the same again.  :o)